How Paradoxical Thinking Can Solve Our Biggest Relationship Problems

One of my bestie friends lovingly calls me the “Both And Queen,” which I love. She knows me well! I also have this same reputation among some of my clients who have worked with me for a long time. They will often say it before I even have a chance to ask: “I know…is there a way I can be viewing this situation as a ‘both and’ instead of ‘either or’?” Or, “Is it possible that both things can be true?” We usually have a good laugh when this happens. I’m the “Both And Queen” because this is one of the most important questions I ask myself and one of the most important questions I invite my clients to ask themselves, too.

Whenever I notice that I am having, or someone else is having, black-or-white thinking, I see it as an opportunity to think differently or outside the box, because most of life’s situations are much more complex than what black-or-white thinking allows for. It’s also easy for any of us to get stuck in this kind of limited either-or thinking when we are hurt, overwhelmed, disappointed, feel like our needs aren’t being met, or are simply trying to make sense of something that feels confusing; but this isn’t the answer, as it most often keeps us stuck in the problem or locked into our self-defensive mechanisms.

Paradoxical thinking, which is the ability to see and hold the “both and” of a situation, is, in my opinion, one of the most important skill sets we can develop, particularly in our relationships, but it does require us to be vulnerable and admit that the way in which we are viewing a situation may be limited. We have to admit that we could have blind spots. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel safe to “not know,” and we find much more comfort in the knowing and the certainty of “being right.” We live in a world that often encourages us to think in either-or or us-vs.-them terms. It can play out in many ways. Right vs. Wrong, Good vs. Bad. You either agree with me, or you don’t. Either my needs are being met, or they aren't. Either my partner is showing up for me, or they aren't. This kind of closed-minded, polarized thinking can be a problem.

While it’s okay to know what we believe to be true for us, many of the most difficult situations in our lives simply aren't that black and white. It’s important to be more open-minded and understand that two opposing truths can exist at the same time, and learning to hold those opposing truths is the skill of paradoxical thinking. This is absolutely necessary in any complex situation. I can deeply love and value two seemingly opposing things. The tricky part is solving a problem when two opposing truths exist at the same time. Is it always about meeting in the middle, or is compromise the only solution?

Is the Solution About Compromise? Short Answer: No.

When I talk about both-and thinking with clients, I’m surprisingly not always talking about compromise or meeting in the middle. This is an important distinction. Compromise says, “You give a little, I give a little, and we find a place somewhere in the middle.” Paradoxical thinking asks us to do something different. It asks us to recognize that there may be truth on both sides of a situation and to become willing to sit in the discomfort of not immediately knowing how to resolve it. Sometimes there isn't a solution yet. Sometimes there isn't a middle. Sometimes the work is simply to hold the tension between two opposing truths long enough for something new to emerge that can lead to a solution.

That process requires a certain amount of tolerance for uncertainty. We have to be willing to not know. We have to resist the urge to solve, convince, defend, or prove immediately, and this can be especially difficult in relationships, because when we are hurt or afraid, our nervous systems often want certainty. We want to know who is right. We want our partner to understand our perspective. We want them to see what we see so that we can finally feel validated and safe, but when both people try to convince the other that their perspective is correct, the relationship can quickly become an oppositional stalemate, which can turn into a perpetual problem that a couple will fight over repeatedly with no solution in sight.

How Relationships Become Stuck in the Same Fight Over Unmet Needs

I have seen this in my own marriage, and I have seen it often in my work with couples. They have what might be called a perpetual problem, the same disagreement that keeps coming back in different forms. They have had the conversation many times. They often know what the other person is going to say and even know where the conversation will end up, yet they keep having it. Why?

The questions to ask here are:

What unmet need is here?

What is each person actually needing?

Once we identify the underlying needs, we can look at the assumptions that have formed around them, because this is often where black-and-white thinking comes in. One partner may think, “If you really loved me, you would know what I need.” Another may think, “If you really appreciated me, you wouldn't be asking me for more than I already give you.” One may think, “If I can't trust you completely, I can't relax.” The other may think, “If you don't trust me, then no matter what I do, it or I will never be enough.”

Very quickly, the two people having the conversation aren't simply discussing the original issue anymore. They are defending themselves against what the issue has come to mean to them, which often validates what they believe to be true: that they are right and the other is wrong, and the disagreement becomes evidence that reaffirms and validates old wounding that makes people feel they are not lovable, or are not worthy of love, or that no one understands them, or that no one respects them, or that they can only depend on themselves, or that they can’t really trust, and it goes on and on. This is incredibly painful, and this is where couples can become deeply stuck.

What Happens When We Change the Question and Apply Paradoxical Thinking to the Relationship Issue?

Paradoxical thinking gives us another way into the problem. What if we ask ourselves:

“What if we are both right?”

“What if the way I am seeing this is only part of the truth of the situation?”

How does this change the narrative? It may not mean something still doesn’t need to change, but it does mean we start from a place of equal ground, understanding, and partnership rather than opposition.

Here are some examples of additional questions to ask:

What if there is truth in both of our experiences? What if both of our views and feelings are legitimate? What if we’re both feeling hurt by a situation? What if something in our relationship needs to change and our relationship is still fundamentally okay? What if we both want more connection and we have different ideas about what that looks like or feels like?

When we can truly embrace paradoxical thinking in a relationship issue, something shifts. We are no longer trying to make the other person wrong so that we can be right. We are trying to understand how both experiences can coexist at the same time. That shift alone can change the entire conversation.

This may be the most powerful part of paradoxical thinking. When we are stuck in either-or thinking, we often believe there are only two options: It’s either my way or your way. I have to either give in or fight. I either need to change or accept, or stay or leave, but sometimes a third option exists that neither person can see while they're stuck defending their position and trying to convince the other they are right. The truth is, we may not find the solution or be open to other possibilities until we stop insisting that one of us has to be right and the other wrong.

This is why paradoxical thinking requires patience and humility. We have to be willing to sit in the uncertainty of the “both and.” We have to be willing to get comfortable with: “I don't know how we're going to solve this yet, and I can understand your truth without abandoning mine.” We stay curious, and we listen to the other. We allow ourselves to feel the discomfort of not having an immediate resolution and sometimes, eventually, something new appears. A possibility we couldn't see before; a different way of approaching the problem.

A solution that isn't yours or mine, but ours.

I think this is one of the most important shifts we can make in our relationships is moving from:

“Me vs. You” to “Us Together vs. the Problem.”

When we try to prove our partner is wrong, our partner becomes the problem, but when we can step into the both-and, the problem becomes the problem, and now we can be on the same side. This doesn't mean we always agree or that we stop holding boundaries or advocating for our needs. It certainly does not mean we will tolerate any toxic or harmful behaviors. That is a different topic altogether. What it does mean is that we stop treating our differences as a threat. We can have different perspectives and still be connected. We can have different needs and still care about each other's needs. We can disagree and still respect each other. We can be hurt and disappointed and still love each other. We can want change and still practice acceptance. We can recognize what isn't working and still appreciate what is.

Are you Stuck? Paradoxical Questions to Ask Yourself:

If you find yourself in a situation in which you are stuck, I encourage you to ask yourself:

Is there a way in which I am making myself right and another wrong?

Is there a way I can see this as “both and” instead of “either or”?

Can I allow another’s truth or two truths within myself to coexist?

Can I hold the discomfort of opposing truths long enough for a third option to emerge?

If it’s in a relationship: Can I open my mind enough to see that your perspective is also valid?

I hope applying this Paradoxical Thinking Framework to some of your life’s biggest challenges will help you open to a new solution, a new peace, and a new way of being and thinking, as it has mine.

Thanks for reading!